Denial isn't working anymore

So I have been putting off this post for a while now. Mostly because I knew when I wrote it down it was real, no more oops it's just Ninah being flaky, I'd have to face facts about my inconsistency's and shortcomings.

I've screwed up and there's not an easy way to fix it.

Stella's A.W.O.L.

Monday:
Not thinking about it since I had done it before I opened my front door to get a breeze into the apt. and left it that way for a few hours. While I had it open Stella wandered out. Again didn't freak because she had been on the hall before and would come back when I called her or she never made it far. When I went to look for her there was no sign of her anywhere. I looked up and down the building with no success. I looked outside as well and there was no sign of her. I tried to stay calm and kept telling myself she would come back and other things to keep me calm.

Tuesday:
Woke up, no cat. Cried and searched to no avail around the apt. Had to go to Seoul to take care of some ticket things. Had already bought the train ticket so I went for it. Tried to drown my sorrows in a make over and some shopping and it worked for a while. But when I came back and went out to put up signs I was back at panic central. The signs I want to point out would not have been possible had it not been for Emily, a student of mine, who sat with me for 30 minutes translating and what not. Emily YOU ROCK! So yeah signs. Went backed to bed and again hoped for the best.

Wednesday:
Woke up again and again no cat. Tried not to cry to much in the morning so I put on my new make-up and headed out the door. Found a flier on the floor when I got out of the elevator so I picked it up on a whim and asked the guard since he wasn't on duty last night. And that's when my mind went into overdrive.

In the ever useful, handsignal Korean, I know I realized he knew more than I could get besides the fact that he had seen Stella and and she was that way. So I called Eun Joo Jung and she got the gist of it. It seems that someone on a different floor had called him and said there was some cat meowing (Stella). Then he said he "saw" her and then things get fuzzy. After a few hours to stew I realized that Stella probably had help exiting the building.

I made it through work and was ready to head home with Rita to put more signs up when the heavens open wide and poured. Signs up, cat still lost. And now 11PM I'm at the stage where I realized I am a bad mother. If I ever have children I will end up leaving them in cars with the windows up, they will run with scissors and somehow manage to break my heart more times than I can count. This whole thing is too much for me. I want a hug and some comfort.

Stella where ever you are I hope you are dry and fed and warm and that St. Francis is watching over you. Come home soon.